與我常在

我從日本回來不知不覺已有6個月了。我從來都沒有想過，回來，會比離開更難適應。

在短短的兩年內，我以前愛去的餐廳有的結業了，有的搬到不知哪裡去了。開車時會迷路，甚至有時候房間的東西都不知放到那裡...

更讓我不習慣的，就是我的好朋友全都 “不見” 了。過去的兩年，他們分別結婚，生小孩，轉工，搬家... 我最好的朋友一大半都搬離了我們一起成長的地方... 沒有離開的，也開始為自己的家庭努力；大家講的話題都不一樣了。

突然間，我發現，我記憶中的家跟現實差很遠。所有的東西都變得很陌生，很孤獨。

這一刻，我發覺，無論我我身在哪裡都是一樣。只有我自己才是自己最好的朋友。我要學識自己享受過一個人的生活， 因為，除非你是我，才可與我常在。

會呼吸的痛

今天我又忽然哭起來了。突然之間，心開始很痛。我無法呼吸，只能躺在床上，動也不能動。這心情很久沒有發作了，但今天，我又想起了。

突然之間，我想起了他。我想起浪漫的歐洲，我想起自由的日本。我想起我愛的生活，我想起不能見的他們…

為什麼會這樣心痛呢？在每一個地方，我都努力的去跟每一個人建立一種關係。過程真的很不可思議；基本上我都會“愛上”我身邊的人。我也知道，他們一樣也愛上我。

但我每離開一個地方，恍忽我就把我的一部分留下了給他們。我變得不完整，心裡永遠有一個空位要填滿。我開始讓自己變得忙碌 – 工作，讀書，運動… 但也無補於事…

難道這是真心愛人的後果嗎？虛偽的人可以瀟灑的活著，我就要背上這種遺憾…?

最想念不可以想念的人，是因為不能擁有嗎？但我仍然很想那天，很想那個地方，很想你。

---

想念是會呼吸的痛

它活在我身上所有角落

哼你愛的歌會痛

看你的信會痛

連沉默也痛

遺憾是會呼吸的痛

它流在血液中來回滾動

後悔不貼心會痛

恨不懂你會痛

想見不能見最痛

---

You Only Live Once

"I met the most incredible guy lately. He is charming, funny, intelligent, and caring. And did I mention? He is also really, really good looking." she says.

She goes on about how she met the guy through some mutual friends, and that after a couple of casual "meetings" over coffee she found that they had a lot in common, and how she thinks she is really falling for him.

"Wait, you don't want to do that. Make him call you. You don't want to seem too desperate..." the other girl said, in response to whether or not she should call him to make plans for dinner.

Wait. Desperate? What do you mean, desperate? When has society started equating showing affection towards someone as desperate?

"Yah, like, you gotta play it out. Make him miss you. Make him do the calling. If he is into you, then he would..! Or else you'd be too easy. Ooorrrr he'll think you are a crazy psychotic bitch who is always trying to get his attention, so you gotta make it harder for him..!"

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

I know, I know. We are women in our late 20's (as if that means anything), and society starts to give us all sorts of crappy labels. And apparently for women who are single, this label desperate becomes applicable. But seriously, how does something as beautiful as wanting to love someone full-heartedly get such an ugly name? Loving someone should be simple. You meet someone along this path you call life who you have determined to be worthy of your love, so you want to take care of them and make sure they are OK, because if they get hurt, your heart hurts too. But if they are happy, so are you. You would do anything to make them happy...

Unless, you are really loving someone for yourself.

You let your pride and arrogance get in the way of loving someone. Why am I always giving? If he cares, then why can't he call? 

Now, you've made this all conditional. You won't give him your love if he doesn't love you back. Now, you just want him to fall in love with you. You've placed yourself higher than the other person, because now the other person doesn't deserve your love if he doesn't prove his worth. If he's not good enough for me and falls short of my standards, then I'm being desperate. F*ck that, I'm not desperate. He can call me.

Life is too short not to be genuine. I don't have time to love those around me, and then pretend not to. I don't have time to chase people around and play these silly games. If I fell in love, I'm not afraid to admit it. If I miss someone, I'm not afraid to show it. Because - YOLO!! That's right. You only live once, and for some people, it really is too short. Being able to love someone is the best feeling in the world. It doesn't mean I'm desperate, it means I am strong, dependable, and capable. We are capable of loving with an open heart and taking our happiness into our own hands.

I mean, I'm not going to lie, it would be nice if the other person loved you back... but the two aren't really dependent on each other, are they? Plus, if you loved him with all you have and he trashes it, then you can confidently say that he's the jackass, and you are still adorable. ^_^

(Photo credits to my talented friend Daniel Cheung. View more of his amazing work at http://www.flickr.com/photos/duckducksnap/)

Break down

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing much."

"What are you doing back nowadays?"

"I don't know, looking for a job...?"

"Do you want to stay?"

"I don't know, I'm not sure...maybe I'll leave again..."

"Then why bother?"

"Because I have to, and I should..?"

"When have you ever done things because you should?"

"I don't know. This seems too crazy."

"What is?"

"Leaving."

"You are not as brave as people say."

"I never said I was."

"Do you like it here?"

"No, I don't. I'm not sure."

"What are you sure about?!"

"I don't know... I..."

"What do you want?!"

"I don't know!!!"

"Then why are you leaving?"

"I... want to see him again."

"But you can't!"

"Why not?"

"It's impossible...."

"....if I don't try."

"This is home."

"This doesn't feel like home."

"Everything you have is here."

"That doesn't mean I can stay here."

"Where can you go?"

"Anywhere but here."

"How?"

"I have a plan."

"Is it going to work?"

"I think so, I don't know..."

"That's not good enough...!"

"I.. I..."

"What DO you know?! You can do better than this..!"

"I can't think."

"You need to..."

"Stop it."

"But..."

"No, get out..."

"You have to..."

"Please, just leave me alone."

"I can't.."

"Go away!"

"You can't hide."

"Let me sleep."

"You have to wake up."

"I can't find a reason to."

"It won't go away."

"At least it will, for now."

Berlin

5 years ago, I started my first mileage run adventure. It was a trip to Germany with a few of my best friends. We started off spending a night in the Sea-Tac Airport, flying out to Chicago at 6am, hopping over to London Heathrow, and then landing in Frankfurt. After a couple of days, we took a train to the country's capital city - Berlin.

Berlin Hauptbahnhof

Berlin is quite an overwhelming city. From the Reichstag to the Brandenburger Tor, to the infamous Berlin Wall and buildings on the streets with gunshots from World War II, the city is marked with scars from her excruciating past. As I listened to our tour guide during the walking tour, I can almost see the Russians marching down the streets during Hitler's final day. I can hear the rifles and guns firing, the wounded screaming for help and dying. I cannot even begin to imagine all the heartbreak as loved ones were taken away, or the fear of people as they struggle to hold onto dear life...

Berlin Wall

... But there was more to the city. There was hope. I remembered a metropolis - one that is modern and vibrant and lively. People who live in the city are upbeat and friendly (just be aware of strangers with fake potato-sack babies). Old buildings were being refurbished to pre-WW2 state to reminisce a glorious past. It was a city just as big and as colourful as any other major city in the world. It boggles my mind how incredible that really is - a city beaten and divided until 20 years ago, this city has recovered and is living better than before.

Reichstag

Maybe this is a reflection of how life should be lived. No matter how your past might have been, you need to look forward and keep moving. You let your scars remind you of the past, but not to hold you back from pursuing your dreams and living life to the fullest, and certainly not to be haunted by it.

Brandenburger Tor

I love Berlin.

Wonderful pictures by Daniel Cheung. Visit him at www.danielduck.com!

Fairy Tales

Why does it feel like there's no place I can call home? This world is so big, surely there is a little place for me me to stay...

I guess that's the problem is that this world is too vibrant. There are so many places I want to go still and so many places I want to see. Every place has some things that I love, and every place has something I hate.

I am also not from any place.I left my birthplace too early to call it home. I came to the place where I grew up too late to call that home. 

I... don't belong... anywhere

I somewhat feel happy for those people who can settle into one place and can call one place home. They say home is where the heart is, and right now, my heart pretty much anywhere but here. I feel as if I am drifting all over this rock just to find this feeling of home. The ironic thing is, it seems like the harder I look, the further this concept is away from me...

I guess some people also just settle because it's easier. It's scary to let go of what you know for sure, and to venture into the unknown. They are just happier to have a place they can call home, and just happier that things are more "stress-free" in general. I have a job, I have a place to live, I am content. What can be better than this? What can possibly go wrong..?

But I just want an adventure! I want to see all the colours this world has. I don't want to be colourblind. I don't want to read other people's stories, watch TV, read novels, and be green with envy because really I wish I had the fairy tale-life they have exploring the world... I guess I am really hopelessly romantic that I really want to find a place that takes my breath away...

So f*ck it.... I am writing my own fairy tale.

Bittersweet Goodbye

I recently learned that one of my closest friend is moving away.

I know how exciting it must be, after all, I made the exact same decision a year ago to leave home and to move on to a new chapter in my life. I am really glad that he is stepping out of his comfort zone, following his heart to do what he truly wants. I know it's not easy.

I am a little bit sad though, because I realize that home will never be what it used to be. Maybe I was too naive in thinking that everything back home will stay the same until I go back. Everyone will still be waiting for me. My family, my friends... sure, people go on and do new things, but they are all still going to be around right...? Right...? Damn it, I AM THE ONLY ONE who can leave and come back whenever I wanted...! No one else was ever allowed to leave me...!!! I was supposed to go home whenever I got sick of being on my own, and go back to see all my friends whom I love so much...!!!

But the clock is ticking. Time doesn't wait for anyone.

People are always chasing after their dreams and desires. Some time ago, you crossed paths, then you walked together for a while, and you don't know when your paths will split again. That's the interesting part about life, isn't it? I guess it's all part of growing up.

So, here's a bittersweet goodbye to you. Good luck my dear, and chase after your dreams! I know you have made the right decision. Hopefully you will invite me to your wedding. ^_^

And, thank you for teaching me to love and treasure those around me, right here, right now, because I don't know what will happen tomorrow.

See you soon!!!

離家出走兩個月

在福岡的時間過得很快... 真想不到我離開溫哥華快兩個月了! 我真的很喜歡這裡生活 - 我喜愛我的工作, 也愛我的自由。我最開心的是好像所有的東西都有一個新的開始... 在溫哥華的我是怎樣都不重要, 我可以將所有東西 reset 了﹐ 再試一次。沒有人因為我以往的不對而討厭我。是的, 其實我是一個很沒有自信的人。很多身邊的人覺得我很堅強, 很硬朗, 不理會別人的批評。其實內心的我比任何人脆弱... 我的外殼只是為了不讓人看小而已... 我不理會別人的批評, 是因為我不想理會自己對自己的 批評。 我真的是一個很自私的人。 我知道我不多不小都因我的自私而傷害了身邊的朋友... 所以我也覺得自己很討厭, 是一個不稱身的朋友...我又怎會有勇氣去接受別人對我的評價呢?

所以﹐ 爸爸媽媽﹐ 對不起。 容許我再任性一次﹐ 我離家出走了。雖然我不一夜之間不見了﹐ 但我也是一走了之。在這裡我真的覺得整個人輕鬆了,每天都可以努力做一個新的我! 其實我都很想念溫哥話的人; 也許當我玩夠了, 長大了以後 , 我會有勇氣回來面對以前的我吧...!!