會過去的

回到家裡的第一晚，開始下雪。夜靜無人的晚上顯得更寂寞。失眠的我，對著窗外呆望...啊，鄰家的屋頂，花園，馬路，全都被雪蓋著。

這場雪下來前都沒有什麼先兆。 天文台也好像沒有預測到它的降臨。像他一樣，在我最不為意的時候，走到我的生命。我沒有任何準備，任何防範，走進了這場戀愛。我站在門外看著那瓢雪，感覺到我的心，也在被這場雪抹埋。

---

雪花瓢下來時，真的很美。我伸出雙手，想要接著它，但它在我手心不夠一秒，溶了。一片又一片的雪花瓣在我的手中消失，再也看不見了。

我從地上拾起雪來。我把雙手握緊，想要把它留住。但我手握得越緊，它溶得越快… 無奈的我，唯有繼續呆望，希望天氣寒冷多兩天，當作給依依不捨的我多一些憐憫... 最後，天氣變暖了。雪變成了雨水，把所有一切沖走。

也許，這是我不敢哭的原因。我怕我哭完了，我會不再傷心。我怕我的眼淚會帶走他在我心裡唯一的痕跡...

又或者，他真的像雪一樣，越想捉緊他，他消失得越快... 或者，這一切，真的會過去的...

Berlin

5 years ago, I started my first mileage run adventure. It was a trip to Germany with a few of my best friends. We started off spending a night in the Sea-Tac Airport, flying out to Chicago at 6am, hopping over to London Heathrow, and then landing in Frankfurt. After a couple of days, we took a train to the country's capital city - Berlin.

Berlin Hauptbahnhof

Berlin is quite an overwhelming city. From the Reichstag to the Brandenburger Tor, to the infamous Berlin Wall and buildings on the streets with gunshots from World War II, the city is marked with scars from her excruciating past. As I listened to our tour guide during the walking tour, I can almost see the Russians marching down the streets during Hitler's final day. I can hear the rifles and guns firing, the wounded screaming for help and dying. I cannot even begin to imagine all the heartbreak as loved ones were taken away, or the fear of people as they struggle to hold onto dear life...

Berlin Wall

... But there was more to the city. There was hope. I remembered a metropolis - one that is modern and vibrant and lively. People who live in the city are upbeat and friendly (just be aware of strangers with fake potato-sack babies). Old buildings were being refurbished to pre-WW2 state to reminisce a glorious past. It was a city just as big and as colourful as any other major city in the world. It boggles my mind how incredible that really is - a city beaten and divided until 20 years ago, this city has recovered and is living better than before.

Reichstag

Maybe this is a reflection of how life should be lived. No matter how your past might have been, you need to look forward and keep moving. You let your scars remind you of the past, but not to hold you back from pursuing your dreams and living life to the fullest, and certainly not to be haunted by it.

Brandenburger Tor

I love Berlin.

Wonderful pictures by Daniel Cheung. Visit him at www.danielduck.com!

牽著

我漸漸習慣了每天都牽著他的手。

我們在布拉格開始的。那天我們到 Christmas Market。那裡人真的很多，而且在歐洲人群中，我的個子比較小。別人一推開我，我便看不見他們。當我還在找他們的時候， 我感覺都有一個人抓著我的手，用力的把我拉向他的身旁… 就是這樣，我牽著他，走過布拉格的古城。

布拉格的 Christmas Market

我開始發覺，其實無論我走到那裡，他都無時無刻留意我的。雖然他看起來好像不在乎，但每當我不知不覺放慢腳步東張西望時，抬頭一定會看見他在等我。也有一次，我拍照時突然有一班人在我們中間走過。我遠遠看著他轉身發現我不見了那個擔心的樣子，然後找到我變得輕鬆的樣子，心裡便知道其實他有多緊張我。他向著我走過來，微笑跟我說：“別亂跑了…!” 我也只能夠聽他的，因為我想那一刻我開始愛上了他。

那天晚上，開始下雪了。在布拉格無人的夜景裡只有我們。他看見我覺得冷了，便再牽著我。

我問：”你不要把我放開，好嗎？“

 “我怎會把你放開？”

從此以後，我走到那裡都被他牽著。在那一刻，我相信，我是全世界最幸福的女人。

聚散，分離。

今天我要走了。他上班前輕輕敲我的房門。

“早晨啊… 怎樣了，睡得好嗎…?”

“嗯。” 我微微的點頭。

“那… 我要走了。今天你也要走了。保重啊！”

他怎可以說得那麼輕鬆？我狠狠的望著他的眼睛，努力去找他傷心的證據。他好像發現了，便輕輕的抱了我一下，然後親了我的額頭一下。

“這樣只會令分開更難過。”

12月16號，天空像我的心一樣，都是雨天。

我緊緊的抱著他。我想記住他的暖，他的氣味，那個心跳的感覺… 我想永遠留著這一刻。最後，我還是笑著說：”好吧。那… 希望今天上班不太忙吧！“

---

就是這樣，他轉身便走了。我呆坐在床上，聽著他的腳步聲越來越遠… 他… 真的走了。他把我所有的知覺也帶走了…

我整天的魂魄都不見了… 到我再有知覺的時候，我已經坐在黃昏的車廂內。當火車門關上時，我的心也像被關上了。

其實，這樣的心痛也好。這樣證明我有用心的去愛，我還沒有因為過去的聚散分離而變得麻目。

希望，他也會有一點心痛吧。

海の中道 Uminonakamichi Seaside Park

"Can you please pass me that on the ground?" I said to him, pointing to the box with the paper towels.

"Sure, here you go... Garden."

I kind of froze for a moment. "You.... remember my name...?" I mean, that's probably not the cutest nickname you can come up with for someone, but that's the first time I've heard that... and you definitely needed to remember my name to come up with that.

"And apparently you remembered mine, too. I heard you calling me while you were over there."

Idiot. Then why did you keep walking away?! "Haha. I guess we are even then. Uhm, thanks." I took the box of paper towels from him and turned around. That was the first time I actually looked at this person directly the entire day... Who is this person...?!

I don't know what it was... the way he looked at me, the way he answered, the weather, the sun, the beer... whoever he was, he definitely made my heart skip a beat.

---

Spring has come and gone, and the weather has finally been nice enough for short sleeves and outdoor activities. I have been complaining to my friend about how bored I was, and that we should do something together.

"Sure, how about going on a picnic at Uminonakamichi next weekend?" he said.

"Sounds great!"

Uminonakamichi is an island located north of Fukuoka, between Hakata Bay and Genkai Sea. It is kind of far from the city because you have to go all the way east around the Bay, just to go westbound again to where the island actually is. One nice thing about it though, is that the JR stops directly in front of the park. I took the JR from Hakata Station, and changed trains at Kashii. The whole ride, if I didn't get lost, would take about 40mins.

Station and entrance to the park. I like how it fits the natural theme!

"Hi, I'm at the JR station. Where are you guys?" I called my friend to ask for directions. 

"We are at the middle of the park, in the big field!" he said.

I almost wanted to hang up on her and go home. A field? In the middle of the park?! Surely anyone could give better instructions that this...!

So I looked at the map that was located by the entrance. While there were a million fields in this park, load and behold, there is a big field in the center. "Do you mean "Symphony Garden" near the Ferris wheel?" I ask.

"Yes, that's it! Call me when you get to the Ferris wheel. I will meet you there!"

This park is pretty big...

This park was way bigger than I anticipated. After about 20mins walk to get to the middle of the park, I finally found my friend and his friends. I guess because I was late, I got introduced to everyone, but I didn't really get to know everyone's name... that's when I saw him, just chatting among the boys...

The group of us ended up renting a bicycle and rode around the park. It was 400yen to rent a bike for the day. The only available bikes were mamachari bikes or foldable bikes with a basket in front if it. Apparently, you are prohibited from bringing your own bikes into the park. My guess is that they only want slow bikes with brakes around the park because there are a lot of people (and a lot of kids!!) sometimes. And I guess the baskets were necessary for carrying the food and beer that we brought...

 My ride for the day. And that Ferris wheel.

To go around the main part of the park would probably take about 30mins on a bike. We took about 1.5 hours because we stopped at different places. This park was beautiful. Behind the "field" where we met, was a hill full of these gorgeous blue flowers. 

Across from these hills was zoo with small animals inside. There was a lake with swans you can feed, a couple of different types of monkeys, some wallabies, some donkeys.... and.... cabybaras!

What is a capybara?

"Hi! I am a capybara. Japanese people drew a cute cartoon of me, but this is what I look like in real life."

THAT, is a capybara. I've never heard of these animals before until I came to Japan. Apparently they are the largest rodent on the planet (they were about the size of a golden retriever), so I guess that makes them giant guniea pigs. 

We continued to biked some more and reached the West Exit of the park. The field in this area was surrounded by beds of tulips next to a big lake. We finally decided that this was a good area for us to have our picnic!

I love tulips!

We started eating and drinking in the afternoon. I actually didn't really get to talk to him that much at first; we both engaged in some conversation about our work place and the usual small talk with a group of people, but I didn't talked to him directly. I guess there were enough people around to mingle. Overall though, it was a pretty fun day. 

The park closed at 5:30, so we started packing up around 5 and returned our bikes. I was going to wipe off the tarp before we folded it up, and I saw him with the box. So I followed him...

---

We finally packed up everything. My friend offered to drive us back to Hakata Station in his van, so about 7 of us piled in. I was sitting in the back row in a corner. Everyone was exchanging phone numbers and Facebook contacts.

"Hey, are you on Facebook? You should add me!" I said, trying to be as casual as I can.

"No, not unless we are actual friends. So give me your number." he said.

I tried to hide my smile as best as I could, but by now I am probably blushing like a peach. I called him so my number would show up on his phone, and he added me on Facebook.

Then, all I wanted to do, was to see him again.

二見ヶ浦 Futamigaura

"Have you taken her on your motorcycle yet?" I asked.

"No. She said it's dangerous." He said.

"So.... then why did you still get two helmets?"

I felt a slap on the back of my head. "OWWWWW!!! What was that for?!?!" 

He just looked at me and smiled. "Stupid. I never wanted to take her."

---

It was a perfect summer day in Fukuoka, one where the humidity did not kill all of my desires to be outside. He messaged me in the morning, and told me to meet him at the station around noon. He didn't tell me where he was going to take me though. He always just kind of calls me and expects me to show up. He knows that I just sit in my apartment all day and wait for him to call. Apart from the usual routine of going to the gym, studying, going to work, chores.... I really don't know if I have anything or anyone else besides him.

I arrived at the station a few minutes earlier than he told me to. I don't like making him wait. I kind of like watching him look for me in the crowd, especially because I blend in so well. Almost every time I wait until he turns away from me, and I sneak up to him and slap him on the shoulder. He always shows an angry face at first as to why I slapped him so hard, then he would give me a smile that says he was starting to worry, but he is relieved to see that I am OK.

This time though, I didn't see him. I started to worry.

"Walk outside." I got a text about 5 mins after. He was waiting for me, on a motorcycle. I definitely didn't expect that. He passed me the helmet, and I hopped on behind him.

I just realized I've never been on a motorcycle before.

"Just put your hands on my shoulder. Try to sit up straight, and lean in when I am turning. I know it's kind of scary, but you gotta trust me..." 

Baka. If I had any doubt in you I wouldn't be here. With everything you've ever done and we've done together, I have always trusted you.

He still hasn't told me where we were going.

----

I've never actually traveled around on any roads before outside of the main city area. If the train or subway didn't go there, then I just didn't go there. Taking the bus around Fukuoka outside the downtown core is actually quite tedious.

We went down Route 202, which seems to be one of the major national highways around here. Apparently this highway stretches all the way to Nagasaki, and if you followed it east, you would go to Kitakyuushuu, and onwards to Honshuu. We were going west towards Nagasaki that day, which means....

He's taking me to Itoshima like he promised.

Located just west of Fukuoka City, Itoshima is a town that boasts some of the most beautiful beaches in Kyuushuu. It is a very popular place for locals to surf, and has plenty of cute cafes for couples to enjoy a nice afternoon together. 

Somewhere along Route 202, we took a right onto Route 54, which was one of the regional highways. This highway goes around the peninsula where all the beautiful beaches are, and through the mountain in the middle. I lost track of time cruising around with him to be honest - I have no idea how long the ride took. All I know is that we've completely escaped the city that is Fukuoka, into what was like a scene from comic books of rural Japan. One moment we were driving past the ocean and stretches of empty beaches, then next we were going through some fields along the mountains. I shivered as the cool summer breeze brushed through my skin - not because it was cold, but because the feeling was incredible. I put my arms around him and just closed my eyes. I wanted to take in and remember this moment with all my senses. The sounds, the smell, the sights, and the feel of his shirt sticking to his back a bit, I wanted to remember all of it.

We pulled up to a parking lot that had a few cars already. We were lucky because we didn't come on a weekend, so it was still easy enough to park. I took off my helmet, and turned around - I couldn't believe the view.

I took my sandals off and ran towards the beach. 

Pebbles in the sand, with the Torii in the background.

Beach + bare feet = happy feet. ^-^

Clear water!

LOL, the giants are attacking the islands!

I was so focused on running around the beach and taking pictures, I had completely forgotten about him. By the time I turned around, he was standing next to some rocks, laughing at my clumsiness and near-face plants stumbling around the slippery algae.

"Time to go." He finally said the words I've been dreading.

As we got further away from the beach and closer to the city, it felt as if I was waking up from my dream, and it was time to go back to reality. These perfect moments were going to vanish, into thin air, like none of this ever happened. I could only escape for so long.

He dropped me off back at the station, where this all started. I'm not sure if we made a full circle back to the beginning, or if time has just rewound itself in an attempt to erase the evidence from my memory.

----

I know he said he never wanted to take her, but I'm just going to tell myself that he said he just wanted to take me. 

And now, all I have left to prove that everything did happen, are these pictures I took at Futamigaura.

Fairy Tales

Why does it feel like there's no place I can call home? This world is so big, surely there is a little place for me me to stay...

I guess that's the problem is that this world is too vibrant. There are so many places I want to go still and so many places I want to see. Every place has some things that I love, and every place has something I hate.

I am also not from any place.I left my birthplace too early to call it home. I came to the place where I grew up too late to call that home. 

I... don't belong... anywhere

I somewhat feel happy for those people who can settle into one place and can call one place home. They say home is where the heart is, and right now, my heart pretty much anywhere but here. I feel as if I am drifting all over this rock just to find this feeling of home. The ironic thing is, it seems like the harder I look, the further this concept is away from me...

I guess some people also just settle because it's easier. It's scary to let go of what you know for sure, and to venture into the unknown. They are just happier to have a place they can call home, and just happier that things are more "stress-free" in general. I have a job, I have a place to live, I am content. What can be better than this? What can possibly go wrong..?

But I just want an adventure! I want to see all the colours this world has. I don't want to be colourblind. I don't want to read other people's stories, watch TV, read novels, and be green with envy because really I wish I had the fairy tale-life they have exploring the world... I guess I am really hopelessly romantic that I really want to find a place that takes my breath away...

So f*ck it.... I am writing my own fairy tale.

福間海岸 Fukuma Seaside Park

"いっらしゃいませ (irrashaimase)!!" said the cafe owner.

I jumped out from my seat. "You are finally here!" I said to him. Naturally, I just ran towards him and gave him a really, really, big hug. I thought to myself, I don't care what anyone says: right now, you are mine.

---

I've been sitting at this cafe for about 2 hours now. I saw my friend's post on Facebook about Fukuma Beach, and wanted to go see it for myself. I asked if he wanted to come, but he said he was busy. I knew who he was with; if he wasn't with her, he would ask me to hang out with him.

I took the JR from Hakata Station. On the express trains, it took about 23mins to get to Fukuma. Fukuma Station is a big stop somewhere between Hakata and Kokura, so unless you take the limited express, you can't miss the stop. From the station, it was about a 25min-walk to the beach. The walk wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for the terrible heat and humidity, but my iPod and cold tea eased the pain a bit. When I finally walked up to the coast, I couldn't believe the amazing coastline we have in Kyushuu!

Fukuma Seaside Park

It was a Sunday, but the beach wasn't very busy (I guess the stretch of beach was pretty long, and everyone was spread out). Many people were surfing in this area. There were lots of shops that offered surfing lessons, banana boat rides, and other marine sports. I got tired of walking around eventually, and found myself a nice little cafe that looked like a house.

Cafe Caprice, Fukuma Beach

The cafe had a little garden / patio that faced the beach. I sat there for a few minutes under the umbrella to relax a bit. The owner was really nice! I asked the owner if I could order the "special latte" from the menu without any whipped cream (it was supposed to come with whipped cream and ice cream), and he said: "OK, I"ll just charge you for a regular latte then! You can have the ice cream for free. ^_^" About 3 mins later, the owner came back with my latte, with 2 HUGE SCOOPS of ice cream in it! I was sooo happy! I took a sip of my latte and just sat with my eyes closed for a bit. The sea breeze was the best air conditioner, and the waves were the best background music. Everything was perfect, except he wasn't here.

"It's so pretty here!!! Where are you?" I wrote to him in a text message.

"Ohhh. Really? I'm kind of busy." He replied.

Duh, I know you are. "Come over come over come over! See..!! It's so nice here! You can make it to watch the sunset with me!!!" I said, along with a picture. I always liked whining to him, because I knew he would spoil me. He would never say no.

But I knew I put him on the spot. Typing. Silence. Typing. Silence. Typing. This repeated on my screen about 20 times before I finally got a reply.

"Ok, I can come in 30mins. Wait for me - don't go anywhere...!"

"Yay! Just in time to give me a ride home after we watch the sunset. ^_^" I replied.

He didn't really ask me where I was, probably because he knew from my check-in on Facebook. And as per instructed, I didn't go anywhere. I just sat round the patio, read a book, and took pictures of everything around me. 

Mint garden in the patio at the cafe

I wonder if the cafe owner thought I was some sort of a tourist travel blogger, or he just felt kind of sorry for me for being by myself on such a lovely afternoon. "Free service, for  you!" The owner said with a smile on his face as he puts a mango smoothie next to me. He was such a nice guy! I offered to pay for the drink because it was so delicious, but he just shook his head and smiled and said: "だいじょうぶよ (daijoubu yo)!" So I took a big sip and relaxed...

...I must have fallen asleep. I didn't even realized he messaged me to check if I was still there. I jumped a little when I heard someone come through the door just now.

---

I guess he was kind of happy to see me, but I can see that he was also kind of upset that I made him come out here. And he is right - he knows I can get my way with him, so I deliberately act difficult to catch his attention. And you know what? Every time he gives it to me. I'm sure he got into a huge fight with her to come out though, so I'm not sure why he does this every time. I guess draining each other emotionally is how we have learned to deal with each other.

I didn't say anything else to him after he came. We just sat next to each other and stared at the ocean. I'm not sure how much time has past, but the sun finally set. It was quite magnificent.

"I'll take you home." He finally said. I didn't put up a fight. I just followed after him as he walked out of the cafe. He dropped me off at home, and I gave him a kiss on the cheek.

These words never came out of my mouth, but I guess he felt it...

Thank you for such a wonderful day... and, how I wish... that you really were mine.

我的貴人

在我的生命裏出現了很多貴人。


有一個人給我機會認識這家公司。沒有她，我跟本沒有機會來到日本。

有幾個朋友，總在我不安的時候，不理時差陪伴我。

也有朋友，沒特別的時候不會太聯絡，但有事的時候，二話不説，兩翼插刀拯救我。

還有那一些默默在替我擔心的...  我知道你們對我的有愛這麽多！

（你們可知道你是誰啊！）



最後，讓我受傷的你們，給我教訓。謝謝你讓我變得更勇敢，挑戰我的界限。沒有你，我也不能夠成長。所以，你也是我的貴人。

我會努力，不讓你們失望的！^_^

☆　送你們美麗的沖縄日落吧~! ☆

追夢

近來看到很多關於“追夢”的文章，我也胡亂寫一下吧！

每一個人做每一個決定，都有它的代價。這個代價不是每個人都可以付出的。如果你不故後果，不考慮別人，這是任性，不是追夢。你去用你的青春去流浪，你有想過你的家人是一直在等你回家嗎？你確定他們可以等得到嗎？你同一個時間也有其他只有這個年紀才會有的機會去做的事。可能你身邊的人有自己的家庭，也有美滿的事業。你能保證你去“追夢”不會放棄了其他機會嗎？

有很多人都說“追夢”最幸福是因爲它能夠給你其他工作不能給的。這個真的很可笑；難道一個蘋果能給你的，跟一只橙能給的會是一樣嗎？

還有，追夢需要的不只是勇氣而已。清兵胸膛也有一個“勇”字，他們也是犧牲的多。只是勇氣，未免把事情太簡單了吧！他們在背後的努力，他們的眼淚，你是不會發現的。所以，也不用這麽把這件事情英雄化。



追夢，真的沒有特別好羨慕。你看到的，是人家嘗盡辛酸苦辣之後的結果。他們的付出，你永遠不會看到。

任性的代價

一年前，就像今天一樣，每天晚上把自己哭累了就睡覺了。來了以後，我才發現其實以前自己有多幸福！我好想家人，好想他。每一天都在倒數回家的日子。

但偏偏在這個時候我遇上理你。你像風一樣，不知道從哪裏吹進了我的生活。遇上你以後，心情變得不一樣，每天都在想我們會什麽時候見面。我做的決定也開始變得沒有理由。可是這也沒關係；反正你進入了我的世界之後，我整個人都開心起來。其他的，我也不管這麽多了。

誰知道這只是一個夢而已? 你是毒藥，把我麻醉了。我中了毒，對你養成了依賴後，你就抽身離去。你真的是很殘忍呢！

三百六十五天後的我，原地踏步，沒有前進過。只是今天多了兩道不知道從哪裏來的傷痕。這是他們講的成熟，還是任性的代價?