與我常在

我從日本回來不知不覺已有6個月了。我從來都沒有想過，回來，會比離開更難適應。

在短短的兩年內，我以前愛去的餐廳有的結業了，有的搬到不知哪裡去了。開車時會迷路，甚至有時候房間的東西都不知放到那裡...

更讓我不習慣的，就是我的好朋友全都 “不見” 了。過去的兩年，他們分別結婚，生小孩，轉工，搬家... 我最好的朋友一大半都搬離了我們一起成長的地方... 沒有離開的，也開始為自己的家庭努力；大家講的話題都不一樣了。

突然間，我發現，我記憶中的家跟現實差很遠。所有的東西都變得很陌生，很孤獨。

這一刻，我發覺，無論我我身在哪裡都是一樣。只有我自己才是自己最好的朋友。我要學識自己享受過一個人的生活， 因為，除非你是我，才可與我常在。

會呼吸的痛

今天我又忽然哭起來了。突然之間，心開始很痛。我無法呼吸，只能躺在床上，動也不能動。這心情很久沒有發作了，但今天，我又想起了。

突然之間，我想起了他。我想起浪漫的歐洲，我想起自由的日本。我想起我愛的生活，我想起不能見的他們…

為什麼會這樣心痛呢？在每一個地方，我都努力的去跟每一個人建立一種關係。過程真的很不可思議；基本上我都會“愛上”我身邊的人。我也知道，他們一樣也愛上我。

但我每離開一個地方，恍忽我就把我的一部分留下了給他們。我變得不完整，心裡永遠有一個空位要填滿。我開始讓自己變得忙碌 – 工作，讀書，運動… 但也無補於事…

難道這是真心愛人的後果嗎？虛偽的人可以瀟灑的活著，我就要背上這種遺憾…?

最想念不可以想念的人，是因為不能擁有嗎？但我仍然很想那天，很想那個地方，很想你。

---

想念是會呼吸的痛

它活在我身上所有角落

哼你愛的歌會痛

看你的信會痛

連沉默也痛

遺憾是會呼吸的痛

它流在血液中來回滾動

後悔不貼心會痛

恨不懂你會痛

想見不能見最痛

---

Cupcakes

"Oh my God, I made it to Grand Central Station!" I sent this message to him along with a picture. "Look!"

"Good, I'm glad you finally made it..! Did you find your friend?"

"No...! He sent these instructions that I couldn't make any sense of... and... there are so many people here!! And... coming to New York from there is such a culture shock!! Gaaahhh!!!"

"No, the two places are EXACTLY the same. I don't know what you are talking about." He replied sarcastically.

"And then... and then... I got distracted by cupcakes....!!"

"Haha, what's with you and cupcakes?" He laughed.

---

I am actually not quite sure where my fascination with cupcakes began. I don't remember liking sweets that much; not before I went to Japan, and certainly not after, since I got accustomed to Japanese cheesecake and desserts. Even as I grew up, when eating cheesecake was the "hip" thing to do, I never really got into it. I don't think I've ever looked at cake and thought - I need it now.

But somehow, that day, I just stumbled across this little cafe that sold cupcakes. It was cold, and I've been wandering around aimlessly for a while. I just wanted to find a place where I can sit quietly, stare into space, drink some coffee, and scribble some thoughts into my journal.  This place has such cute decor, I thought. Perfect place to write my fairy tale.

I walked in and sat at the most princess-y corner I could find - Yes, Japan has turned me from a tom boy to a girly-girl. I headed over to the counter and saw all these different cupcakes. The only word I recognized from the past few days of staying there was coffee, so that's the one I chose. And I thought, it would probably go well with, well, a cup of coffee.

I hid in the corner with that cupcake and my coffee. My eyes were tired from tears rolling down my face uncontrollably all morning. I realized at that point that I had no appetite. I didn't even want to move. I was flatlined.

Then, I took a bite. It was so sweet.

The sweetness covered up the saltiness of my tears, and the bitterness in my heart. At least, for that short while.

I took another bite. And between my tears, I would smile just a bit. Just enough to make me think of all the fun times I had on this trip, and stop being upset for a short while....

I saved the last bite. I didn't want to eat all of it. I wanted to write my fairy tale while I still remembered it. I kept writing random thoughts that popped up in my head, trying to recall what happened, trying to give myself some validation that everything happened, and it wasn't just a dream...

...I finished my notes and the last of my coffee. I left my coffee there too long and it tasted a bit bitter and sour. I didn't eat the last of my cupcake.

Ever since then, I've been trying to find that cupcake again. I need that cupcake to resurrect me from my flatline. I need that cupcake so that I don’t feel so bitter for a while.

I guess… I need that cupcake to cover up the fact that I still miss you.

Smoothies Under 300kcal: Banana Almond Smoothie

So recently I've been making a smoothie almost everyday. These are delicious treats that I make for breakfast, for dessert, or anytime during the day when I feel like a energizing snacks! They are filled with vitamins and minerals, and will keep you fueled for like the energizer bunny! I just throw things in a blender and see how it turns out. Today's experiment turned out well, so I thought I'd share my findings with you!

I present to you... Banana Almond Smoothie!

- 200mL skimmed milk
- 80mL fat-free yogurt (vanilla or plain)
- 15mL almond butter
- 1 banana

Blend yogurt and almond butter together (put the yogurt in first, so the almond butter doesn't stick to the bottom of the blender).

Add milk and banana. Blend some more!


And within 5 minutes, you have a nutritional breakfast ready to go! Pour it in the mug, and enjoy it while you are stuck in traffic on your way to work!

Optional:
- Add 2 dark chocolate squares to curb that sweet tooth of yours
- Freeze banana overnight to give the smoothie a thicker texture

Here's the best part - it's drink is only 298 calories, and it's packed with protein, calcium, and iron!

Who says healthy can't be delicious? =D Enjoy!!

You Only Live Once

"I met the most incredible guy lately. He is charming, funny, intelligent, and caring. And did I mention? He is also really, really good looking." she says.

She goes on about how she met the guy through some mutual friends, and that after a couple of casual "meetings" over coffee she found that they had a lot in common, and how she thinks she is really falling for him.

"Wait, you don't want to do that. Make him call you. You don't want to seem too desperate..." the other girl said, in response to whether or not she should call him to make plans for dinner.

Wait. Desperate? What do you mean, desperate? When has society started equating showing affection towards someone as desperate?

"Yah, like, you gotta play it out. Make him miss you. Make him do the calling. If he is into you, then he would..! Or else you'd be too easy. Ooorrrr he'll think you are a crazy psychotic bitch who is always trying to get his attention, so you gotta make it harder for him..!"

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

I know, I know. We are women in our late 20's (as if that means anything), and society starts to give us all sorts of crappy labels. And apparently for women who are single, this label desperate becomes applicable. But seriously, how does something as beautiful as wanting to love someone full-heartedly get such an ugly name? Loving someone should be simple. You meet someone along this path you call life who you have determined to be worthy of your love, so you want to take care of them and make sure they are OK, because if they get hurt, your heart hurts too. But if they are happy, so are you. You would do anything to make them happy...

Unless, you are really loving someone for yourself.

You let your pride and arrogance get in the way of loving someone. Why am I always giving? If he cares, then why can't he call? 

Now, you've made this all conditional. You won't give him your love if he doesn't love you back. Now, you just want him to fall in love with you. You've placed yourself higher than the other person, because now the other person doesn't deserve your love if he doesn't prove his worth. If he's not good enough for me and falls short of my standards, then I'm being desperate. F*ck that, I'm not desperate. He can call me.

Life is too short not to be genuine. I don't have time to love those around me, and then pretend not to. I don't have time to chase people around and play these silly games. If I fell in love, I'm not afraid to admit it. If I miss someone, I'm not afraid to show it. Because - YOLO!! That's right. You only live once, and for some people, it really is too short. Being able to love someone is the best feeling in the world. It doesn't mean I'm desperate, it means I am strong, dependable, and capable. We are capable of loving with an open heart and taking our happiness into our own hands.

I mean, I'm not going to lie, it would be nice if the other person loved you back... but the two aren't really dependent on each other, are they? Plus, if you loved him with all you have and he trashes it, then you can confidently say that he's the jackass, and you are still adorable. ^_^

(Photo credits to my talented friend Daniel Cheung. View more of his amazing work at http://www.flickr.com/photos/duckducksnap/)

都是一樣的

我已經 2 個月沒有寫日記了。

你知道嗎？你真的是個很特別的男生。很多人都誤解我，覺得我堅強，獨立，所以不用照顧。又或者，因為我對很多東西都有點挑剔，那很多人便說，“呵，反正我沒所謂，你決定吧！” 又或者，很多人有問題的時候都會問我的想法，我也會將心比己把自己的意見說出來。總之，在別人眼中，我絕對不是一個被照顧的人。

之後，我認識到你。那次你看到我的機票的目的地錯了，提我趕快把它要改了。可能對你來說，這是個很小的細節，但是我真的很少這樣出錯，而通常只要我說沒問題的時候大家都不會 check, 不會在意。而的而且確，他收到我的機票的時候也擦覺不到... 所以我便覺得你比我身邊的人更在意我。

我也真的覺得我是一個獨立的女生，所以要我不聞不問的跟著一個人，真的不容易。就正因為我對很多東西都很挑剔，所以我也不會隨便信任別人。誰知你的要求，你的警覺性比我更高，所以跟你一起時我很放心，覺得很安全... 在你身邊我變了一個小孩。連我自己都不相信，我也可以依賴別人的。

其實我很想把那段日子的點點滴的都寫出來。直到今次再見你，你對我的冷淡令我覺得原來在你來說，一切到沒有發生過... 這一種心痛我一個人真的無法承受。每一次我對著電腦，想把這故事寫得像韓劇那樣動人的時候，我只會哭。要寫得真實，便要切底的痛。因為，我發覺，對你來說，我們這些女生都是一樣的。



原來，你跟他們都是一樣的。

Break down

"What are you up to?"

"Nothing much."

"What are you doing back nowadays?"

"I don't know, looking for a job...?"

"Do you want to stay?"

"I don't know, I'm not sure...maybe I'll leave again..."

"Then why bother?"

"Because I have to, and I should..?"

"When have you ever done things because you should?"

"I don't know. This seems too crazy."

"What is?"

"Leaving."

"You are not as brave as people say."

"I never said I was."

"Do you like it here?"

"No, I don't. I'm not sure."

"What are you sure about?!"

"I don't know... I..."

"What do you want?!"

"I don't know!!!"

"Then why are you leaving?"

"I... want to see him again."

"But you can't!"

"Why not?"

"It's impossible...."

"....if I don't try."

"This is home."

"This doesn't feel like home."

"Everything you have is here."

"That doesn't mean I can stay here."

"Where can you go?"

"Anywhere but here."

"How?"

"I have a plan."

"Is it going to work?"

"I think so, I don't know..."

"That's not good enough...!"

"I.. I..."

"What DO you know?! You can do better than this..!"

"I can't think."

"You need to..."

"Stop it."

"But..."

"No, get out..."

"You have to..."

"Please, just leave me alone."

"I can't.."

"Go away!"

"You can't hide."

"Let me sleep."

"You have to wake up."

"I can't find a reason to."

"It won't go away."

"At least it will, for now."

像你說的

我們在一間酒吧聊天。男生都在抽雪茄，女生在喝紅酒。

忽然，他說：“哪，她來我們家時，住誰的房間啊？”

不是說好了的嗎？應該是睡在他房間吧 ..

“我打算讓我的房間給她，然後我睡客聽便可以了！”

對啊，之前我跟他是這樣商量過的。他沒有跟你說嗎？

“這樣不是太好，她還是到我房睡吧！我比你早上班，這樣便不會把你鬧醒。妳說好嗎？” 他轉過來問我。

“吓？啊… 其實我睡哪裡都沒有所謂… 你們随便在某個角落給我睡都可以！你們收留我，我已覺得很好了！”

“不行！妳是個女生，又是我們的客人。” 他們一同說。

“對，你應該有自己的空間。就這樣吧！還有，那天我來機場接妳好嗎？”

 “她夜機才到，乘搭機場巴士也很近，很方便的，我們一起到巴士站接她，應該沒有問題吧！”

之後他們用了一些我聽不懂的語言對話….

----

他們兩個都是我夏天在日本認識的。

嚴格來說，我們其實只是萍水相逢。他們一行四人來到日本探我的朋友。朋友說：“一班我在挪威認識的朋友來探我啊~！這個週末我們一起去熊本玩，你要來嗎？他們很友善的，你一定會很喜歡他們！”

雖然，我已經很厭倦認識那種 “見了一次便不會再見” 的朋友，但我抱著一個 “反正我也有空” 的心態，便答應了。我收拾行理是也沒理會太多，而因為我們去玩激流，所以我覺得連化妝的必要都沒有。第一晚，我跟朋友下班後趕到熊本跟他們吃飯。那天晚上，我們一共十二人，都沒什麼聊天的機會。第二天，我們一起玩激流，在河裡游泳。雖然大家都玩得很開心，但也沒有什麼交流。

我友善的抱了他們一下：“今天我要先走了，如果明天你們在福岡的話，我們一起吃飯啊！要不然，保重啦！”

接著，我跟我朋友和他們四個連續兩晚都一起吃飯。就是這樣，我們做了朋友。雖然他們很快便要走，但我跟他們換了LINE account, 之後也有保持聯絡。

也不知怎麼講起，他們其中一個說：“我們去布拉格，時間恰當的話，你也一齊來啊！”

“好啊~！” 我怎會放過去旅行的機會呢？

然後，我跟他說，“喂，你們去布拉格，他有叫我去啊！很快見到我了，開心嗎？哈哈！”

“還好啦！”

“好像不太啊…!”

“還好，在我世界裡面已經是很高興的啦！哈哈！”

之後，我在計劃的時後大部分的時間都是跟另外那一個朋友一起商量的。所以，他在這一刻那麼緊張令我很驚訝。

---

“…妳自己一個女生，在晚上還是不要亂跑好了… 我來接妳吧!” 然後他跟友人說： “這樣你也不用趕下班到巴士站接她了…!”

你說得那樣井井有條，誰能夠反對？

友人呆了一下，“妳說好嗎？”

在感覺被照顧跟更被照顧中挑算，我也只能對他說…

“好吧！就像你說的好了…!”

痛愛

我未見過一個比我更愛血拼的男生。

其實，他們去布拉格只中一個原因就是為了聖誕購物。聽說他們在挪威東西很貴，基本上在布拉格所有東西都只是他們平常的三分之一，所以其實我們在布拉格幾乎每一天都有去逛街。還有，我發覺他們對自己的打扮要求都蠻高的，而他喜歡看櫬衣。

“喂，這邊是男裝啊！你們女生的在下一層啊！”

“我知道啊，我是逛完了才上來找你的！”

“哈哈，這麼快？”

其實我在樓下逛了半個小時才上來的。“對啊~ 看來我沒有購買欲，哈哈！”

他在挑西裝。試完了後，他走出來給我看。

“怎麼樣啊？”

我想我看起來一定是呆了 – 他也太帥了吧！

朋友說：”又是這個顏色？你太多了吧！”

然後他說：”也對。還是不好了…!”

他對我微笑了一下，但我還是像點了穴的…

接下來，我們走進了一間有5層的鞋店。

“哇~ 我最愛的高跟鞋啊！”

“哪，你就掉下我了嗎？”

“嗯！”我對他做了一個鬼臉，然後便跑掉了。他也好像沒太理我，跟朋友往男裝部去了。到我買完高跟鞋再去找他的時候，他也已經有收穫了。他坐在一個人的沙發上，等其他的朋友。

“幾雙？”

“4雙。你呢？”

我的額頭汗了一下。“我才1雙，你真誇張。”

“沒有啦。你好像好累啊… ”

“對啊，是時差吧。” 想一想，我從日本回家再到布拉格，差不多2個禮拜沒有睡好了。然後來了幾天，每天道到處走，真的有點累。

“過來坐吧..!” 他沒有起來，只是把一半的沙發讓給我了，我也剛剛好能夠坐在他身旁。我撬著他的手，不知不覺在他的肩膊睡了。睡著前，我感覺到他輕輕的親我的額頭。

整天你對我那麼冷淡，為什麼，現在，你又這麼疼我？

巧合 // Coincidence

我們吃完了睌飯以後，從墨西哥餐廳離開。

“看來你還真的不能喝太多！哈哈，臉都紅了…!”

“沒有啦….! 臉是紅了，但是沒有事啊! 你看！我還可以跑直缐！”接著，我就在餐廳外面跑來跑去。

他笑著說：“Ok ok, 我知道了！真沒你辦法。”然後他牽著我，說：“好了，我們跟他們一起走吧！他說有一間 piano bar 氣氛很好，一起去啊！”

“嗯…！”

我們走到往舊城的橋上。在半路上，突然之間，漆黑的天空變成了白色。

“看！這麽多白鴿子從哪裏來的？！”

“我怎麽會知道呢？”

這時候，在河的另外一邊開始放煙火。

我驚訝的說：“嗄~！你看到嗎？好美啊！！”

“有什麽好看啊？只是普通的煙火而已…！”

“哈哈，不是你放給我看的嗎？”

“哈哈，對對。我準備了9點30分放煙火給你看的！哈哈！”

“哪那一群白鴿子也一定是你安排的啦！哈哈！”

“你說是就是吧！等一會兒走到橋的盡頭我還安排了一個穿西裝的人送玫瑰給你啊！哈哈！”

我們看了一會兒煙火，然後走到橋的另外一邊。那裏只看到一個丐子。我們互相對望，便大笑起來。

“看來你被諞啦！哈哈哈~！”

“他媽的，我還給他很多錢呢！”他笑著說。

我把他拉近了，把頭放在他肩膀，繼續跟著他們走。也許一切只是巧合，但這巧合也變成了我的童話。

~~~

We left the mexican restaurant after dinner that night. 

"Hahaha, you really can't drink that much, can you...! You are all red now!"

"No, I'm fine..!! I'm red, but, SEE!! I can RUN in a straight line..!!" I said, as I proceeded to demonstrate by running up and down the sidewalk.

"Ok ok, fine fine fine... I believe you..!" he laughed. "We're going to go to a piano bar with them. Let's go!"

"Mmm!" I nodded, then I held onto him and started following them.




We were walking towards Old Town, and as we were crossing Charles Bridge, the sky suddenly turned white with doves.

"Oh wow! Look! Where did all these doves come from?!?"

"How am I supposed to know?" he chuckled a bit and said.

I looked towards my right, and saw fireworks going off on the other side of the river.

"Oh my god! Look!! FIREWORKS! They're so pretty!!" I said.

"They are just normal fireworks, nothing to be so excited about..!"

"What?! You mean you didn't arrange this for me to see?!" I jokingly questioned.

He rolled his eyes a bit and laughed. "Yes. I told them that we were going to cross the bridge at 9:30 tonight, and they were supposed to put on the fireworks for you."

"Ohhhhh...! Those doves must have been part of your plan too, huh!!" 

"Yes. Aaaannnd I also paid some guy to wear a tuxedo to give you roses by the time we get to the end of the bridge. Haha!"




We watched the fireworks for a bit and then started walking down the bridge again. When we got to the other side, there was only a beggar at the end of the bridge.

We both started laughing. "Looks like you got scammed big time!! Haha!"

"Damnit! I paid him lots of money too, that bastard..!"





I don't know if it was the margarita that made this extra funny, but I just wanted to walk closer next to him. All of this might have been a coincidence, but to me, this coincidence is my fairy tale.